your images and vocab flexes are always
superb

this also flows splendidly

--
an antique arms and armor expert

thank you. i was hoping it would, though it seemed unlikely considering initially it was part of three completely different fragments. i suppose some pieces just fit

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"millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy sunday afternoon." -susan ertz

It was a little startling at first, when the atmosphere in this piece switched from a rather folkloric scene to a sort of urban dinge. Very different, and quite nice~

--

as if this is the end.

strangely enough the shift didnt even occur to me. its funny how oblivious i can be to my own words. thank you *hat tip*

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"millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy sunday afternoon." -susan ertz

i like the rhetoric of this one. it's mostly through consonance that it conveys meaning, so in that respect i think it's not so much surreal as spoken-word.

--
Vermeer: Look at the clouds. What color are they?
Griet:White? No... not white. Yellow. Blue... and grey. There are colors in the clouds.
Vermeer: Now you understand.
--Girl with a Pearl Earring

*nods*, yes, i like using consonance. i've been told that some of my pieces have that definite spoken-word feel. though i still think it holds surrealistic element through the immediate imagery used. perhaps it can be considered both?
thank you for the comment. im glad that you like the rhetoric

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"millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy sunday afternoon." -susan ertz

Hm. I enjoy surrealist art and writing (have you read Lorca?) but surrealism, to me, really needs to have the components of its juxtapositions make sense, or the meaning of it becomes muddied or lost.

I enjoyed most of your images, some of them as lucid and startling as good surrealist images should be. However, some are muddied- either by excessive verbiage (I notice the heavy use of adjectives and adverbs/gerunds extends to many of your poems, but that's a conversaton for another time), or simply that they're not expressed with the same sharpness:

constructed
silk cross stitches creep on crimson frays,
stitching creeping along the swamp lines you climbed out from

-- I'm not really able to create a clear image in my mind with this, it's very vague.

lipstick fabrics pressed against your head, whisper azure folktales

-- is this referencing cyanosis? Its the only way I can correlate 'lipsticked' with 'azure' and the 'hearts' to follow.

Some of the images/lines that I really enjoyed are:

"which so casually stopped by, as if it had a choice."

"inconsistently fed
hearts of latex."

"elbows...
returning to their cities"


I see you've knocked this together from various scraps, and on the whole think you could make a very decent poem of it. But imo, there needs to be utter clarity of image, no excess, no muddying of the pictures presented, in order that the meaning -- or thought presented, for consideration-- is not obscured. Or you know, it just reads like a bunch of half-decent stuff shoddily glued together by a vague theme.

I'm no expert on surrealism, but the best of it does employ a clarity of component, so that the seemingly nonsensical parts make room for utter logic/clear intuitions when viewed as a whole.

I suggest thinking about what, exactly, you want this to say, and weeding out/sharpening up the images that aren't cohesive with that message, or with each other. That the parts here have trouble gelling, to my eye, with each other is the poem's major fault.

But yeah, there's some nice bits. I do suggest reading Lorca, if you don't already-- both for enjoyment, and for examples of that clarity I'm talking about.

--
unknown command error: sleep

ah yes, i definitely understand what you mean. i've been quite aware lately that the best pieces are the ones made up of starkly clear and poignant lines of thought and imagery intertwined appropriately.

the thing with me is that many images come together in a mangled or muddied way often simply because its the way my brain tends to operate naturally.

i appreciate careful thought and construction in poetry and prose, to create something holistically stunning and strong. however its a skill which im far from mastering just yet.

my initial exploration of surrealistic writing came from simply weaving together every image which i could possibly muster in 20 minutes or so. and although that’s a good place to start, its not the best of styles.

since then i've made small progressions, though at times i lapse into the muddiness and messy word weaving very easily. my pieces usually come to being from an image, a line, a word, a feeling. its all rather vague in foundation, and i quite like it that way, as it gives my mind room to build upon it in ways that may be unexpected.

often i won't have a set meaning within my mind as i write something, but will simply like the feel or sound of it or the feeling that it invokes in me. only on looking back am able to place a more solid meaning to such things.

i really like the link that you made to cyanosis, its very interesting. ithink though that this line was from the idea of childhood and future love mixed. as for azure, this is another thing i do often, attach colour/s to things, as sometimes these colours are very strong in my mind and i feel the need to attach them to certain words or phrases. in this instance i was thinking of azure stitching-stitched folklore-fabric-temple-paint/lipstick. if that makes sense.

with regards to the swampy beginning, it was a matter of linking a landscape, a person, and something(the stitching), as well as movement, this happen naturally for me as it was this way in my mind, and thus it is the way i wrote it down. though i do see how its rather unclear. i suppose it was a link from swan-oil-lake-muddiness-creeping-edge(out of something)-leftovers=swamp . i admit its a very odd way to operate and its not the most relatable of things.

im not familiar with lorca, though i'll do some digging around.

im glad that you liked the bits and pieces that you did. i hope i was able to clear some things up. thank you for taking the time to form such an honest and constructive response. it is always most refreshing to encounter.

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"millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy sunday afternoon." -susan ertz

I did not respond to this one because I wasn't sure how to respond. I typically avoid surreal poetry because I always feel that I'm missing something that everyone else gets (take punk music, for example). I always thought it would be like a realist attempting to clarify the image of an abstractest.

I'm glad you chose this piece to comment on because it showed me how I could respond to this type of poetry without expectations of molding it to conform to my particular tastes. I do agree that ambiguity can greatly enhance a piece but that the imagery should possess a reference point. When it doesn't, we're left grasping for understanding from a tangled web of imagery which disrupts the flow by adhering us to a possible meaning. If we move onto the next line without comprehension, we move on confused and the read becomes quite laborious.

This has been my experience; however, there have been some who seem to completely understand and feel at home with it, like slamming in the mosh pit.

Go figure but it has a place and causes joy nonetheless.

--
No need to thank me for "Faves" or Watches; however, if you feel the need, please do so in my Shoutbox.

Thank you.