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meanwhile, on the forestedge by ~gedwaylem:icongedwaylem:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Experimental > Other

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©2009-2010 ~gedwaylem
:icongedwaylem:

Author's Comments

"dream me oh dreamer,
down to the floor,
open my hands and
let them weave in yours"

i don't know if i'm happy with this one yet.

Comments


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:iconreturnofbob:
=ReturnOfBob Oct 22, 2009, 8:51:42 AM
you used the dictionary.com word of the day! :wow:

i couldn't figure out what this said: "h,and,q,uack,s" so it kind of broke the flow for me.

and sacrosanct is an awesome word.

i likes it.
:icongedwaylem:
~gedwaylem Oct 22, 2009, 9:01:51 AM
ha, i'd actually forgotten that's where i go the word from, it's been buzzing around my head a lot today that and the first line just got me down into writing this. i love when a single word expresses something perfectly.

i can see how that would break the flow, i'm still deciding whether i should change it and how. ah, we'll see.

thanks for the input=)

--
"millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy sunday afternoon." -susan ertz
:iconlarroney:
*larroney Oct 22, 2009, 9:17:21 AM
Beautiful.

--
"Many a man hath done so; sought to fence
In straitened bonds the soul that should be free,
Trodden the dusty road of common sense,
While all the forest sang of liberty" -- Oscar Wilde
:icongedwaylem:
~gedwaylem Oct 22, 2009, 10:56:31 AM
oh how embarrassing *hiding under a chair*, it's meant to be handQUAKES. how awful of my brain to get so muddled.

--
"millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy sunday afternoon." -susan ertz
:icongedwaylem:
~gedwaylem Oct 22, 2009, 10:56:39 AM
thank you :tea:

--
"millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy sunday afternoon." -susan ertz
:iconr-mitchell:
~r-mitchell Oct 22, 2009, 11:07:07 AM
hello,
i love how this is punctuated with brilliant words (sacrosanct, maelstrom and aesthete for example). it's a wonderful little piece and you've obviously put thought and feeling into the form.
i also like how you say you're not sure if you're happy with it because i'd be interested to see it develop.

yes, you have a very lyrical turn of phrase. i look forward to being your new watcher.
:icongedwaylem:
~gedwaylem Oct 22, 2009, 11:12:42 AM
thank you, doubly so for the watch as well. it's always good to have an appreciation for words.

as a someone who doesn't really know me or my writing, i'd be curious to ask a question. i'm unhappy with the ending, because i feel it's the type of thing that can only be properly put across by tone, and i don't think it comes across very naturally. what's your opinion on how it ends?

--
"millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy sunday afternoon." -susan ertz
:iconr-mitchell:
~r-mitchell Oct 22, 2009, 11:19:45 AM
personally, i feel that the ending comes across very strongly indeed. i love how it is detatched from the previous stanza, it refocuses the reader and the authorial voice. i also very much appreciate its simplicty, and again this is personal taste but although i do enjoy the sense of multiplicity thrown up by use of parentheses i prefer the sense of mystery evoked by abruptness and i suppose "directness".

does that make any sense to you? i have a tendency to ramble...
:icongedwaylem:
~gedwaylem Oct 22, 2009, 11:33:33 AM
it makes a lot of sense to me, and puts me a bit at ease, thanks. no worries about rambling tendencies- i can relate and don't mind. it tends to be far more preferable than having a lack of things to say.

--
"millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy sunday afternoon." -susan ertz
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